Auteur House 3 1/2 Year Anniversary Party Band Intros

Cane of Punishment:

Good evening ladies and gentleman.  We’ve got what Ronnie Barker would once have called a “packed programme” tonight but first a public service announcement: All Blacks 31, Springbok 17.

Our opening act is comprised of a couple of filth merchants that grizzled veterans such as myself have compared with the young Mobile Stud Unit.  One of the them is married to the most beautiful woman in town, the other maintains a Facebook page detailing his adventures with prostitutes.  Let’s give a big Ward Lane welcome for Cane of Punishment.

Disco Volante:

I don’t understand electronic music.  What the fuck is the difference between Drum and Bass and Dubstep, where is the demarcation line between Hard Dance and Hard Trance, and how many houses do the E-freaks need to get their de-hydrated act together?  All of which says nothing about our second band, who’s lack of cred with the true electronic crowd mean they’re playing here tonight and not on Alexander St.  Give it up for Disco Volante.

Miss Beetsy Rose Lee:

There’s a world of difference between burlesque and stripping, one that goes beyond the speed and degree to which the outer garments are removed.  Burlesque is an art form, an erotic negotiation, a celebration of desire in the form of tease and titillation.  Ladies and gentlemen, open your hearts and loosen your draw strings for Miss Bettsy Rose Lee!!! 

Thank-You Speech:

Ladies and gentlemen before we get to Conway I’d just like to say a few, very brief words of thanks.  Most of the volunteers who contributed to the establishment of Auteur House aren’t here tonight but I’m trusting they’ve been publicly appreciated enough at earlier celebrations.  Since the last party Elisabeth, Nick, Rex and latterly Darren have joined the Honours Role exclusively reserved for those who work for us for nothing more than the odd free rental.  They have my humble and sincere appreciation.  Ron Minkhorst’s brewing skills have also earned a special place in my heart.

Andrew Johnstone’s contribution over the last year has been the major one that has increased Auteur House’s profile, and I don’t just mean in terms of perpetually inane Facebook postings, though he certainly claims that those have helped.  Ever the enthusiast, the Johnstone optimism had led us onto the Community Radio airwaves, aesthetically upped the game with in-House art exhibitions and given us lots of cute if occasionally misspelt signage.  Well done Andy, keep it up.

The main thanks go as ever to Gabriel Engel for writing the cheques that keeps the whole thing afloat and Helen McAuliffe, for keeping track of our slender finances.  Ultimately we must of course thank you, the punters, for continued, loyal patronage.  Thanks for coming tonight, too.

Conway

The fourth act on the bill play too seldom in their nominal home town.  An embarrassment of veteran H-town talent, Conway are sweetly melodic without being cloying, emotional without being earnest, and just damn fine musicians.  After a sycophantic introduction like that I’m hoping that Sean will finally forgive me for bumping them from an earlier gig.  Conway!

Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers:

The final band probably at no time have ever needed introducing.  This is especially true in the last eight or so days, when they’ve seemingly played every gig in town.  Here tonight exclusively for your entertainment pleasure, Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers.